Hello

Do you remember those halcyon days at work when all was fun, calm, and straightforward? Maybe it is like that for you right now, in which case you are very lucky! However even if things are peaceful now, over the last few weeks it’s also likely that there were at least some days when it had been just a little bit stormy.

 

And have you noticed that it is much easier to be emotionally intelligent when you aren’t under too much pressure, when you are surrounded by a group of supportive like-minded individuals?

 

Well yes of course it is, you may be saying. That’s obvious! And yet, one of the fundamentals (in my book at least) of being emotionally intelligent is to be able to recognise when our emotions are starting to overpower us, and may be beginning to warp our thinking and perhaps inappropriately influence our behaviours. It’s at that point that it becomes essential to do something about it; and taking that ‘evasive action’ is normally harder to do when the environment and situation is not remotely calm! And yet often, that’s precisely when it becomes the most important thing to do at the most important time.

 

When we are in a relatively calm environment, with supportive colleagues, this ‘emotional management’ can usually be done with relative ease.

 

However, when the pressure is on, and particularly when we are faced with someone who has a different perspective from us, that combination be a pretty volatile mixture.

 

Our mood may leap unexpectedly from mild irritation to unadulterated anger. This can cause us to behave in a less than professional manner, and can create a very skewed view of the other person, which in turn can ‘prime’ us for further encounters with them.

 

Essentially we can find ourselves viewing the other person through the lens of ‘annoying little sod’. The problem with that of course is that they may well not be, and in fact we may actually be an ‘annoying big sod’. When we carry around an emotionally negative perspective about someone else, we can misread their body language (the smile becomes a smirk) we can misread their tonality (the question becomes derision) and we can misread their intentions (someone simply playing ‘devil’s advocate’ can be construed as them being a whinging pain in the derrière!).

 

This is not good, and it’s particularly not good if we are the leader, because we are potentially shutting down a key resource. And we can, without perhaps meaning to, become an intimidating figure, a cause of stress in the working life of this other person.

 

I think that it is important to mention here that there are of course those types of people who simply are the sneaky snipers, the destructive individuals within a team who seek to destroy morale, who deliberately deplete hope and who consciously facilitate friction. That type of corrosive individual is damaging to both themselves and to those around them. It is unlikely that they could be considered to be an asset worth retaining. However, spotting these individuals requires a clear head, an ability to recognise true belligerent intention, and normally a reasonable period of time during which real behavioural trends can be observed.

 

Presuming that this is not the type of person that you are dealing with, I believe that it is essential for the leader to remember that they set the emotional tone of the team, the department and the business, and that that environment should not be one in which anyone feels intimidated, or one in which it looks like there are ‘favourites’.

 

And yet, it a really easy trap to fall into. People are flawed, leaders are flawed, we do have people that we gravitate more towards than others, but the lure of the ‘favourite’ can also cause us to unwittingly end up in the midst of the dreaded ‘group think’ where our ego is serenaded by the comforting tones of its own familiar echo chamber. Now that type of chamber music can be rather destructive.

 

So what to do?

 

Well, firstly I would suggest that it is really important to consider whether we are wearing the ‘annoying little sod’ glasses in relation to an individual. Check out your heart rate, blood pressure, muscle tone, when this person comes into view. If your readings are, faster, higher, tighter (and you’re sure that it’s not simply lust that you are experiencing (which brings with it its own set of challenges)) then its likely that you are wearing the glasses of sod.

 

If you then begin to suspect/realise that you may be viewing this individual from a potentially unfair perspective (being calm, talking to trusted (but not ass kissing) colleagues can help you uncover this) then consider the following idea.

 

This person may be one of your biggest assets.

 

Why? Because they are different. They think differently from you!

 

It’s time to change the lenses.

 

Look at what you can actually appreciate about this individual. Perhaps it’s their dedication, their time-keeping, their knowledge. There is almost always something to admire.

 

Secondly, realise that what this person is someone who is there to help balance the boat. Their opinion is as valid as yours. It deserves to be considered, and you can’t consider it logically through a seething pulsating red mist!

 

Finally, remember to ask yourself, if I was that other person, how would I feel about having me as the boss?

 

Be brave, be nice.

 

Best wishes
Mike

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